The beginning of something. We'll find out what..

Well I think it's safe to say she likes me. She really likes me, and I like her. I sang the song i wrote for her after a concert we had at our church and it made her entire night. She says no one has ever done that for her, and in my mind i was saying, i figured as much. lol But yea, she has a huge crush on me, everyone tells me that. Even the pastora of our church is in on our little romantic adventure and she's all for us because she loves me and thinks I'll be very good for her. Everyone in the church seems to be great with it. It's pretty awesome to have everyones back on this. :DD

Everyday we talk a bit more and more. And I've known her for only a short time and I already have two items of mine in her memory box. I think this entire situation is really cute. I like to separate myself from everything for a bit and look at it from a different persons perspective. I must say I find myself smiling every time I do.

With both of us crushing on eachother and everyone pushing us along trying to help us out, even though I think she and I are old enough to help ourselves in this matter, I have yet to kiss her. I have yet to want to kiss her too even though I know she'd let me. I'm not the type of guy that wants be in a thousand different relationships with a thousand different women, I'm not the player, or the heart breaker, or the pimp. I'm just the nice guy that wants to find the one girl for his entire life. I want real love. And i know that if you want real love you have to start things right. Love and life, right and wrong, it's not just emotion or your own perception of it. Love is something real, righteousness is something real, it's something that stays constant no matter what you may think 'right and wrong' is, or what you may think 'love' is. And I believe the bible preaches that truth very well. I believe love is what the bible says it is because in my short existence I've lived and learned...

But yea, excuse my little speech there. lol What I'm trying to say is that I just want to be her best friend for a bit. I want to chill with her and go out without the thought of being romantic, just the thought spending time with her. I've screwed up and made many mistakes and I don't want to be a fool and repeat them. I'm taking things slow and with one step at a time. If she's the one for me, she can be patient along with me. 'Love is patience' amongst many other things, so yea. lol I believe she is willing to wait though. She left another guy for me so I would imagine she is willing.

So yea, I can't think anymore. If i continue it's going to be like blah blah blah. lol

Goodnight peeps.

Damn it's been awhile...

Damn it has been an extremely long time since I've been here to write anything. lol Well I figure since I'm here I'll just fill you in on some of the stuff I've been up too.
I've been keeping myself real busy with music, since there's nothing else I have to do. It gets boring not having a lot of responsibilities, I can't wait till I'm actually overloaded with stuff to do and places to go for a change. DX
But anyways yea, music is what has been occupying my time. I have a total of 10 songs now, one of them being this epic battle between god and the devil. It's pretty cool, and everyone who has heard says its awesome so I'll take their word for it. lol
Oh and I've also written this other song called Golden Angel. It's for this really awesome girl I met at church. We haven't hung out to much but we did get to have some dinner last sunday and we had a real nice time. Ohh and the reason I named the song golden angel is because when I first met her, there was an event in my church and she completely dressed in gold paint and clothing while she danced. She's literally a golden angel. Cool huh? lol
So yea, I've been staying alive writing songs and keeping to my music, and now hopefully winning over this girls heart. ;D
We'll see what happens with my not so busy schedule and love life. I'll keep you posted..or maybe not..lol
See ya!

Our 2nd Anniversary!!

Wow it's been awhile since I've written anything, and lots of things have happened since I last did. But I think I'll start with this day. December 19, 2010

My anniversary with Ashley was on the 19th. 2 years peoples, 2 years!! It's pretty crazy how far we've come. It has not been easy let me tell you that. First we had to fight with the outside world that first year. So many challenges and hardships faced us. We were smacked around quite a bit, so much that I broke up with her for reasons that I can't stand by anymore. But she took me back when I realized how much I can't be without her.

From there we pressed on to our 2nd year which was a bit different really. Instead of having to fight off the outside world, we fought within our world. In the 2nd year we were together things between my mom and Ashley calmed down. As a matter a fact, my mom is actually turning out to need my girlfriend quite a bit for fashion and health reasons. B) But while that storm calmed, another came up. The 2nd year has been one of arguments between each other, especially the last few months. It hasn't been easy for us at all. Lots of emotional conflicts and battles have been fought within these 2 years, and a few physical ones to..sorry about the eye again. D:

But amongst all the fights and bad times, we made it this far. Besides all the unfortunate things that have happened between us, we pulled through it, we made many exciting and simply awesome memories, and we celebrated our 2nd anniversary together. It was a beautiful day, just Ash and I being us, the strange yet simple couple amongst all the rest.

The first year was a fight against our world, the second year was a fight within our world, and now we're moving on to the third year..I hope the past 2 years has covered all necessary fights. I don't know how the third will be, but I know we will make it through and simply grow to new heights together like we have already done. I hope we have many many more anniversaries together. B)

I love her very much.

Fun fact of the day: The first actual song I ever wrote was to Ashley. And from there on every other song I have written has been about her, except one which was to my grandfather.

She is literally the reason why I sing. She is my inspiration and my motivation to do anything. I've always complained that I had no drive for anything, I've wished for some inspiration to drive me to become something in this world. I can't complain anymore, I have everything i need when I hold her. I have all the love and inspiration I need to keep moving, and grow to be the man I should be. I didn't know for what reason, but now it's clear my reason is for her.

So back to my report on the day, it was great. We ate at hooters, that's just the way we roll ;D then we walked around the stores in search of a christmas present for me, we walked around some more and exchanged our anniversary gifts to each other, which was a ton of fun I might add. I made Ash search for her gift which she enjoyed just as much as i did :D and Ash gave me a list of 365 reasons she loves me..that's just awesome!! How many of you have one of those?? I bet none of you. :D I thought the list was wonderful, it made me tear and everything, actually me tearing up about the list was in the list, amazing huh?

But after that fun gift exchange it was getting dark so we scurried our way through the streets and made it just in time to catch the bus that was taking us back to her place. It was impeccable timing i tell you, as soon as we got to the stop the bus arrived. We've always had good timing and luck like that, it's pretty awesome. Then when we got her place we took it easy and just pretty much relaxed the remainder of the night.

And oh!!!! How can I miss this part?? I was thinking about it in the middle of this blog too.. :/ Well anyway Ash found a four leaf clover!!! It was crazy finding one. She started to search for one randomly in a patch of dirt on a short wall and didn't find one, and then she said that she had never found one before before she reached into the second patch of dirt and pulled out a four leaf clover. How perfect is it to find a four leaf clover on our anniversary? And in the most unlikely of places. She was pretty happy about that, and i wasn't to to surprised that she found one, she has this amazing knack for finding things like sales, omg especially sales lol ;P she also finds things left on buses and trains, it's crazy, but it's her and I love it. :)

So I think that will be all for now. This blog was going to be a general blog, not about anything specific, but when I started to write about our anniversary I just couldn't stop. lol So this will be all for now till the next one.

P.S. I love you! B)

Sincerely,

Your Baracuda

Good times!!

So, the last few days has been amazing. Relationship wise. Ashley and I have been getting along great and have been all smiles, something we haven't really been for awhile.

Let me fill you in on what's happened before these past few days. Ash and I have been going through a lot of rough patches for the past couple months, and it has only gotten worse as time past. We wouldn't really talk about anything, and we'd get into an argument about any little thing. It has been very tiring to be honest, and Ash will agree with me. In the past couple weeks a lot of things have been said, a lot of horrible things, and I'm sure a lot of horrible thoughts have come up as well. It's just been one thing after another and it seemed like we would never get out of that. The past few weeks has been a battle field between us because of a lot of things. I've done nothing but get on her nerves, and vice versa. To say the least it's been scary, tiring, aggravating, very rough, closed hearted, and horrible.

But in life you will always have your hard times. In life there will come times of hardship, apathy, unwillingness, heart break, terror, and many other things. But you can't just give in and throw in the towel when those times come. It's the same exact thing with love. Love is not just happy and easy times. Love is hard, and requires desire, and dedication. When those times come is when you have to love the hardest. Ash and I have gone through a lot lately, but we love each other very much. Just because we've fought and told each other many things, and done a lot of things that have hurt, doesn't we will put up our white flag and call it quits. True love can with stand the storm, and love can find it's way back out of it.

What I feel for her is not just something that depends on circumstances, or time, or place, what I feel for her leans on nothing and stands on it's own. I love her no matter what. We fight, we make mistakes, and sometimes we even hate each other. But no matter what I love her. At the end of each passing day that fact will remain the same.

And now, after everything we've gone through, it seems like things are calming down between us. The past few days we've got along fabulously, we've been able to actually talk, and we haven't been on each other's nerves attacking each other for every little thing. And yesterday, oh man it was the best of these past few days.

After Ash finished school we planned that she would take the bus to dolphin mall and I'd pick her up there so we can work out at the park for a bit. That's exactly how it happened. I picked her up at the bus stop and we headed back home where this really nice chicken, mashed potato, and biscuit meal was waiting for us. We ate the food and after sitting around for a little bit we drove over to the park with my sister tagging along with us.

First we started out by stretching a bit, and then we jogged 2 laps around the park path. Well that's a lie, I jogged 2 laps while Ash and Ally jogged half a lap, walked the other half a lap, and then sat down while I finished my second lap. lol But it's alright cause Ash was pretty sore already from having to carry her freagin heavy bags all over downtown. They were really heavy man, for real. Well anyways, after that we dedicated the rest of the time doing abs. It hurt, and it wasn't easy, but we did it. Well I did it, Ash and Ally attempted..lol Again, she had a good excuse so it's alright. After we decided we've had enough of ab workouts, we played a little soccer before leaving the park after the sun had set and darkness fell over us. I thought it was fun, it hurt, but I really enjoyed working out with them and working on my stomach. Ash says I'm getting fat and I've lost my muscle, so we'll see what she says after a few weeks of doing this exercise. ;D

So after that we went home, hung around for a bit, did Ash's math work, ate some rice and pasta, hung around some more, and finally left so I can drop her off at home. When we got there at her place I parked in the parking lot and there we sat in the car, with no sound but the sound of our voices. We sat there for awhile just talking, well whispering to each other, and staring at each other. It was so wonderful. The time we spent there was most time we've spent truly together just talking in long time. Ash commented on how much she liked it when we can just whisper to each other in silence. She said how much she loves to just hear me speak to her, tell her things, and share what I'm feeling with her. I must agree that it's simply wonderful. Even after we finally got out of the car and walked up to her place with her freagin heavy bags, we talked some more and shared a great time together before I left.

I hope this just marks a new time for us. A time where we finally get out of the storm we were in and get back to the amazingness of our love for each other. Get back into wonderful and beautiful times like last night. I just have to try not to piss her off, and she has to stay sweet more often. :P lol I loved last night, I love the good times we have ahead of us, and most of all I love my girl!! I'm madly in love, and I only fall deeper and deeper. Feels good. :D

It's way to late for this...Oh well.

So it's 2 o' clock in the morning. The only sound I can hear is of my fingers typing on the computer. And all of my family snoring..lol I have no idea why I'm writing this blog, but I started it so I guess I should say something right?

It's really peaceful that's for sure. Knowing everyone in this house is in their own little world while I share the real world with myself for a bit. At least, the world within these walls I call my home. It's nice to take time to be alone, and meditate for awhile. Think about everything that's going on in my life. It's kind of hard to do that while everything is moving around me, while things are happening within only moments at a time. When everything is silent, I feel like time is standing still, like the world has stopped for a brief moment giving me time to collect myself and then continue working in the morning.

When the world does stop for that moment, take a breath. Let the air fill your lungs and let your mind be free for change. I don't know about you but a lot of things flood my thoughts all the time. After awhile those thoughts become heavy and weigh you down. It happens to me. I become filled with problems, doubts, worries, terror, anger, confusion, apathy, and distress. Do you think I, or anyone for that matter, can continue moving forward properly like that? With all that baggage of past troubles and concerns? I'm going to assume your answer is no. If you continue that way you may end up becoming many things like: angry, frustrated, scared, overwhelmed, or maybe even apathetic towards everything. It's not good when you become so tired you just don't care anymore. So stop for a moment in the silence. It can be very amazing. And who knows, maybe in that quiet place of your own you will find the answer you need to fix the problems that weigh you down. If you do come up with anything, be sure to let me know. I'd like to hear it.

Well I think its time for me to go to bed now, I want to actually wake up in a few hours and not be completely dead. Have a goodnight in your own little world.

PS. I love you.

I Will Never Forget Those Words

"You're an ass"

"You disgust me sometimes"

"Good fucking bye. I'm going to have a great night. And I'm not going to miss you"

"And don't expect me to text you when I leave"

"I'll talk to you whenever the fuck I feel like it"

They are beautiful quotes don't you think? You know, I do believe the anger behind them is justified, I must admit that. She had every right to be angry. But these words, and everything they mean..I think it was going to far.

I WILL NEVER FORGET THOSE WORDS.

The deal was that she was going to a party to see Maria(best friend, 'wife') after a long time apart. So she tells me this early on in the day. I'm pretty passive on the idea from the beginning. She thinks I was trying to ease my way out of going but I wasn't, I just wasn't sure if I would even have a chance of going. But w/e, she tells me and say I'll see what I can do. Later on in the day I start trying to see if I can go by asking my mom. She says I can go, but that Ash's mom would have to pick me up. So I actually got the permission finally, which is pretty weird, but I didn't have the transportation to get me there. I ask Ash if her mom would pick me up, I knew she wouldn't, and of course she told me it was to much. And yea, I agree it's to much for her to be doing.

So after all that and asking my uncle to take me, I lost hope in going. I actually had pretty much set in my mind that I wasn't going to go. And believe it or not, I was actually fine with it, cause I knew in advance I wasn't going to be able to. I was ready to accept the truth of the matter. But then here comes my dad and tells me that he will take me straight to the party when he gets home. I got excited and told Ash the news. After everything I had a sure chance of going and everything was good.

But then something happened. Ash tells me to hold on for a second while she finds out if I can even go. She comes back to me saying, 'opps my friend's parents got ridiculous and you can't go. And since she doesn't know you there goes your chance of going. Sorry.' Ok, I am now absolutely devastated and angry with her. Not the fact that I can't go, but the fact that she tells me this at the last f***ing second after I finally was excited about having a means of transport. And on top of that, I hate the f***ing way she says it. The way she says it seems so non caring and w/e. "You can't go, oh well to bad for you." That's what it sounds like, but she will not understand that fact. Sure, she says se authentically means the sorry and that she does care that I can't go with her to the party, but she can't understand that the way she says it just sounds like she don't give a shit whether I go or not. She has to find a better non blunt way of saying it. She loves to be straight forward and blunt with things but damn it, when you say sorry that I can't go at least make it sound like you mean it. Maybe it's also partly me that takes it that way, so harshly, but still I think she can improve on that.

And well now I'm very mad because I went through all the trouble and I got my hopes up, just to have her tear it down and tell me I'm not even allowed to go. Ashley knows that feeling well, being let down, so she can understand why I got angry being told this at the last second, getting myself ready and everything to go later.

When I get all angry now, Ash gets angry at me cause i do normally get jealous and angry when I can't join her with w/e it is she's doing. I admit and apologize for that jealousy, I admit 100% it was wrong of me. But this time had a lot more things going, but anyways, Ash lets out all of her feelings on me tonight. Apparently I hit a nasty nerve, and it bled all over me. She tells me really horrible things. The worst of those things were the quotes that i put at the beginning of this blog. I have those messages saved in my phone and will never forget them. After she said those things to me I didn't give a damn where the hell she was going or whether I was invited or not. Those words hurt me deep inside in a way I can't say. They stopped me in my tracks and I just stood there with those words ringing in my ears again and again.

She won't miss me. I disgust her. She won't text me back after the party because she assumes that all I will do is bother her and disgust her some more with question upon question. A little knowledge I learned in philosophy is that that sort of thinking is called inductive reasoning. She is reasoning that I will do that because I've done it the past. But the conclusion of inductive reasoning is never sure because it is pretty much a guess. I'm getting off track here. One thing that I will make sure is to not ask about this party. She could've kissed another guy at that party(just an example), but I will never know because I will not allow her to be right in her assumption that I will do that. In her assumption that besides all this happening, I will still try to be this "Controlling ass hole".

I am not a possessive ass like she's says, and I will try not to do anything that can throw me in that category again to prove her wrong. She said before she left that she didn't hate me, but I disgusted me. What she said to me has scarred me. It's changed what she thinks of me when I'm not being my "perfect" self. I'm not perfect, I'm only a pitiful human trying to live as best he can.

Right now she's probably still there at the party having a good time, not missing me at all. "And I have to live with it." The way she spoke to me before she left was like an overpowering parent telling the kid exactly what's going to happen next, that he can't do anything about it, and that he will have to live with it. It angered me and 'disgusted' me the tone she used on me. The things she said to me. I'm so angry inside. It's one of those deeply buried angers you hold inside, and outside, the only thing that shows is a dead face. A face that has no memory or emotion. Just a face hiding anger behind it.

Ash will not be texting me tonight, as she said, and I say good. I'm not ready to face her again. I'm not ready to accept anything as I type this blog now. I'm not ready to face that happy, cheerful face coming from seeing her best friend, while i hold this one. All I hold are these texts tonight, that I hate so much. I will not accept them.

This is off topic but my mom just told me that after my classes tomorrow, we can pick Ash up to go with us to..where ever, I don't care right now. Do you know what my answer was? I don't know. I don't know if i want to see her tomorrow at this moment. I need to sleep this off because the only thing I can think of is what she said to me. Those words, I need to sleep them off.

I love you Ash, very much. But right now, I'm bitter, not about the stupid party, not about not being able to join you, but about those words. Not even the words, but the fact that you truly meant every single one of them. You meant exactly what you said to me before you left. I won't kill you, and I won't "get over it" (I fucking hate that song), but that will kill me. You don't miss me one bit right now. That will haunt me. A goodnight for one cannot be a goodnight for all.

Sleep with God and all His wonderful angels and everything that's good. Goodnight. I love you.

"You're an ass"

"You disgust me sometimes"

"Good fucking bye. I'm going to have a great night. And I'm not going to miss you"

"And don't expect me to text you when I leave"

"I'll talk to you whenever the fuck I feel like it"

A Great Night of Splashing in the Rain!!

Hey what's up peoples??

So I come to tell you a tale of a world unknown to all those that are not me and my girl. This world we came across last night. It was beautiful, mysterious, and all ours. The rain fell on us so gently, and the water beneath us crept up our legs the farther we walked ever so subtly. It was easy to get lost in this place. It was easy to get lost together in this water world.

Well what do you think of that intro? Cool huh? :P Now for a little elaboration on the occasion.

Yesterday I found myself fortunate and got the pass from my mother to visit my girlfriend. It was raining pretty hard everywhere. Especially near my girlfriend's place since she's closer to the ocean i would assume. Well on my way to her place I got inspired to jump and run around in some puddles from watching all the rain fall down. I don't know about you but I love the rain, at least when I can take advantage of it, and boy could I take advantage of it at her place. I park and when I walk into the parking lot it is practically a swimming pool in there. The water was plenty high to have your fun in, and get a good portion of your pants wet in. Like halfway up your shin.

After getting through that pool I go up to see my girl and we say our hellos, and we kiss, and hug, you know, the usual boyfriend girlfriend stuff. I stay up there for a bit and I tell Ash to come downstairs and splash around in the parking lot with me. She says ok and tells her mom the adventure she will embark on.

We go down and with some rain still drizzling down we splash around in the pond that has over taken the parking lot. It was so much fun, we splashed each other a bit and ran around in the water. We even found a little 'island' that we stood on to get away from the water. Ash pushed me off...I took her with me though. lol :D We spent a good while out there in the rain running around in the water, drowning our clothes before we cut it short so she can go up and continue doing some art work.

We changed out of our drenched clothes (good thing my girl has like a whole wardrobe of clothes of mine that i was able to change into) and then we sat down together and i helped her out with a project she was working on. While I was helping her I actually gave her an idea she can use and will use for one of her assignments! I was so proud of myself when she did a real quick sketch of the idea and figured out she was really going to use it. (My ideas usually aren't to great. That's why I was so excited about it)

But yea, after finishing my little section of her project we spent a few more minutes together and I went on my way back home. I never like the leaving part, it really sucks. Me and Ash were saying it'd be awesome if some tornadoes or something came around and I was stuck there with them for the night. It really would've been awesome, aside from the danger and harsh wind outside of course. Sadly it didn't happen and I got home before 10, but it was still a very lovely night of splashing in the rain. Can't wait to do it again!

I love you! :D