Good times!!

So, the last few days has been amazing. Relationship wise. Ashley and I have been getting along great and have been all smiles, something we haven't really been for awhile.

Let me fill you in on what's happened before these past few days. Ash and I have been going through a lot of rough patches for the past couple months, and it has only gotten worse as time past. We wouldn't really talk about anything, and we'd get into an argument about any little thing. It has been very tiring to be honest, and Ash will agree with me. In the past couple weeks a lot of things have been said, a lot of horrible things, and I'm sure a lot of horrible thoughts have come up as well. It's just been one thing after another and it seemed like we would never get out of that. The past few weeks has been a battle field between us because of a lot of things. I've done nothing but get on her nerves, and vice versa. To say the least it's been scary, tiring, aggravating, very rough, closed hearted, and horrible.

But in life you will always have your hard times. In life there will come times of hardship, apathy, unwillingness, heart break, terror, and many other things. But you can't just give in and throw in the towel when those times come. It's the same exact thing with love. Love is not just happy and easy times. Love is hard, and requires desire, and dedication. When those times come is when you have to love the hardest. Ash and I have gone through a lot lately, but we love each other very much. Just because we've fought and told each other many things, and done a lot of things that have hurt, doesn't we will put up our white flag and call it quits. True love can with stand the storm, and love can find it's way back out of it.

What I feel for her is not just something that depends on circumstances, or time, or place, what I feel for her leans on nothing and stands on it's own. I love her no matter what. We fight, we make mistakes, and sometimes we even hate each other. But no matter what I love her. At the end of each passing day that fact will remain the same.

And now, after everything we've gone through, it seems like things are calming down between us. The past few days we've got along fabulously, we've been able to actually talk, and we haven't been on each other's nerves attacking each other for every little thing. And yesterday, oh man it was the best of these past few days.

After Ash finished school we planned that she would take the bus to dolphin mall and I'd pick her up there so we can work out at the park for a bit. That's exactly how it happened. I picked her up at the bus stop and we headed back home where this really nice chicken, mashed potato, and biscuit meal was waiting for us. We ate the food and after sitting around for a little bit we drove over to the park with my sister tagging along with us.

First we started out by stretching a bit, and then we jogged 2 laps around the park path. Well that's a lie, I jogged 2 laps while Ash and Ally jogged half a lap, walked the other half a lap, and then sat down while I finished my second lap. lol But it's alright cause Ash was pretty sore already from having to carry her freagin heavy bags all over downtown. They were really heavy man, for real. Well anyways, after that we dedicated the rest of the time doing abs. It hurt, and it wasn't easy, but we did it. Well I did it, Ash and Ally attempted..lol Again, she had a good excuse so it's alright. After we decided we've had enough of ab workouts, we played a little soccer before leaving the park after the sun had set and darkness fell over us. I thought it was fun, it hurt, but I really enjoyed working out with them and working on my stomach. Ash says I'm getting fat and I've lost my muscle, so we'll see what she says after a few weeks of doing this exercise. ;D

So after that we went home, hung around for a bit, did Ash's math work, ate some rice and pasta, hung around some more, and finally left so I can drop her off at home. When we got there at her place I parked in the parking lot and there we sat in the car, with no sound but the sound of our voices. We sat there for awhile just talking, well whispering to each other, and staring at each other. It was so wonderful. The time we spent there was most time we've spent truly together just talking in long time. Ash commented on how much she liked it when we can just whisper to each other in silence. She said how much she loves to just hear me speak to her, tell her things, and share what I'm feeling with her. I must agree that it's simply wonderful. Even after we finally got out of the car and walked up to her place with her freagin heavy bags, we talked some more and shared a great time together before I left.

I hope this just marks a new time for us. A time where we finally get out of the storm we were in and get back to the amazingness of our love for each other. Get back into wonderful and beautiful times like last night. I just have to try not to piss her off, and she has to stay sweet more often. :P lol I loved last night, I love the good times we have ahead of us, and most of all I love my girl!! I'm madly in love, and I only fall deeper and deeper. Feels good. :D

It's way to late for this...Oh well.

So it's 2 o' clock in the morning. The only sound I can hear is of my fingers typing on the computer. And all of my family snoring..lol I have no idea why I'm writing this blog, but I started it so I guess I should say something right?

It's really peaceful that's for sure. Knowing everyone in this house is in their own little world while I share the real world with myself for a bit. At least, the world within these walls I call my home. It's nice to take time to be alone, and meditate for awhile. Think about everything that's going on in my life. It's kind of hard to do that while everything is moving around me, while things are happening within only moments at a time. When everything is silent, I feel like time is standing still, like the world has stopped for a brief moment giving me time to collect myself and then continue working in the morning.

When the world does stop for that moment, take a breath. Let the air fill your lungs and let your mind be free for change. I don't know about you but a lot of things flood my thoughts all the time. After awhile those thoughts become heavy and weigh you down. It happens to me. I become filled with problems, doubts, worries, terror, anger, confusion, apathy, and distress. Do you think I, or anyone for that matter, can continue moving forward properly like that? With all that baggage of past troubles and concerns? I'm going to assume your answer is no. If you continue that way you may end up becoming many things like: angry, frustrated, scared, overwhelmed, or maybe even apathetic towards everything. It's not good when you become so tired you just don't care anymore. So stop for a moment in the silence. It can be very amazing. And who knows, maybe in that quiet place of your own you will find the answer you need to fix the problems that weigh you down. If you do come up with anything, be sure to let me know. I'd like to hear it.

Well I think its time for me to go to bed now, I want to actually wake up in a few hours and not be completely dead. Have a goodnight in your own little world.

PS. I love you.

I Will Never Forget Those Words

"You're an ass"

"You disgust me sometimes"

"Good fucking bye. I'm going to have a great night. And I'm not going to miss you"

"And don't expect me to text you when I leave"

"I'll talk to you whenever the fuck I feel like it"

They are beautiful quotes don't you think? You know, I do believe the anger behind them is justified, I must admit that. She had every right to be angry. But these words, and everything they mean..I think it was going to far.

I WILL NEVER FORGET THOSE WORDS.

The deal was that she was going to a party to see Maria(best friend, 'wife') after a long time apart. So she tells me this early on in the day. I'm pretty passive on the idea from the beginning. She thinks I was trying to ease my way out of going but I wasn't, I just wasn't sure if I would even have a chance of going. But w/e, she tells me and say I'll see what I can do. Later on in the day I start trying to see if I can go by asking my mom. She says I can go, but that Ash's mom would have to pick me up. So I actually got the permission finally, which is pretty weird, but I didn't have the transportation to get me there. I ask Ash if her mom would pick me up, I knew she wouldn't, and of course she told me it was to much. And yea, I agree it's to much for her to be doing.

So after all that and asking my uncle to take me, I lost hope in going. I actually had pretty much set in my mind that I wasn't going to go. And believe it or not, I was actually fine with it, cause I knew in advance I wasn't going to be able to. I was ready to accept the truth of the matter. But then here comes my dad and tells me that he will take me straight to the party when he gets home. I got excited and told Ash the news. After everything I had a sure chance of going and everything was good.

But then something happened. Ash tells me to hold on for a second while she finds out if I can even go. She comes back to me saying, 'opps my friend's parents got ridiculous and you can't go. And since she doesn't know you there goes your chance of going. Sorry.' Ok, I am now absolutely devastated and angry with her. Not the fact that I can't go, but the fact that she tells me this at the last f***ing second after I finally was excited about having a means of transport. And on top of that, I hate the f***ing way she says it. The way she says it seems so non caring and w/e. "You can't go, oh well to bad for you." That's what it sounds like, but she will not understand that fact. Sure, she says se authentically means the sorry and that she does care that I can't go with her to the party, but she can't understand that the way she says it just sounds like she don't give a shit whether I go or not. She has to find a better non blunt way of saying it. She loves to be straight forward and blunt with things but damn it, when you say sorry that I can't go at least make it sound like you mean it. Maybe it's also partly me that takes it that way, so harshly, but still I think she can improve on that.

And well now I'm very mad because I went through all the trouble and I got my hopes up, just to have her tear it down and tell me I'm not even allowed to go. Ashley knows that feeling well, being let down, so she can understand why I got angry being told this at the last second, getting myself ready and everything to go later.

When I get all angry now, Ash gets angry at me cause i do normally get jealous and angry when I can't join her with w/e it is she's doing. I admit and apologize for that jealousy, I admit 100% it was wrong of me. But this time had a lot more things going, but anyways, Ash lets out all of her feelings on me tonight. Apparently I hit a nasty nerve, and it bled all over me. She tells me really horrible things. The worst of those things were the quotes that i put at the beginning of this blog. I have those messages saved in my phone and will never forget them. After she said those things to me I didn't give a damn where the hell she was going or whether I was invited or not. Those words hurt me deep inside in a way I can't say. They stopped me in my tracks and I just stood there with those words ringing in my ears again and again.

She won't miss me. I disgust her. She won't text me back after the party because she assumes that all I will do is bother her and disgust her some more with question upon question. A little knowledge I learned in philosophy is that that sort of thinking is called inductive reasoning. She is reasoning that I will do that because I've done it the past. But the conclusion of inductive reasoning is never sure because it is pretty much a guess. I'm getting off track here. One thing that I will make sure is to not ask about this party. She could've kissed another guy at that party(just an example), but I will never know because I will not allow her to be right in her assumption that I will do that. In her assumption that besides all this happening, I will still try to be this "Controlling ass hole".

I am not a possessive ass like she's says, and I will try not to do anything that can throw me in that category again to prove her wrong. She said before she left that she didn't hate me, but I disgusted me. What she said to me has scarred me. It's changed what she thinks of me when I'm not being my "perfect" self. I'm not perfect, I'm only a pitiful human trying to live as best he can.

Right now she's probably still there at the party having a good time, not missing me at all. "And I have to live with it." The way she spoke to me before she left was like an overpowering parent telling the kid exactly what's going to happen next, that he can't do anything about it, and that he will have to live with it. It angered me and 'disgusted' me the tone she used on me. The things she said to me. I'm so angry inside. It's one of those deeply buried angers you hold inside, and outside, the only thing that shows is a dead face. A face that has no memory or emotion. Just a face hiding anger behind it.

Ash will not be texting me tonight, as she said, and I say good. I'm not ready to face her again. I'm not ready to accept anything as I type this blog now. I'm not ready to face that happy, cheerful face coming from seeing her best friend, while i hold this one. All I hold are these texts tonight, that I hate so much. I will not accept them.

This is off topic but my mom just told me that after my classes tomorrow, we can pick Ash up to go with us to..where ever, I don't care right now. Do you know what my answer was? I don't know. I don't know if i want to see her tomorrow at this moment. I need to sleep this off because the only thing I can think of is what she said to me. Those words, I need to sleep them off.

I love you Ash, very much. But right now, I'm bitter, not about the stupid party, not about not being able to join you, but about those words. Not even the words, but the fact that you truly meant every single one of them. You meant exactly what you said to me before you left. I won't kill you, and I won't "get over it" (I fucking hate that song), but that will kill me. You don't miss me one bit right now. That will haunt me. A goodnight for one cannot be a goodnight for all.

Sleep with God and all His wonderful angels and everything that's good. Goodnight. I love you.

"You're an ass"

"You disgust me sometimes"

"Good fucking bye. I'm going to have a great night. And I'm not going to miss you"

"And don't expect me to text you when I leave"

"I'll talk to you whenever the fuck I feel like it"