I Will Never Forget Those Words

"You're an ass"

"You disgust me sometimes"

"Good fucking bye. I'm going to have a great night. And I'm not going to miss you"

"And don't expect me to text you when I leave"

"I'll talk to you whenever the fuck I feel like it"

They are beautiful quotes don't you think? You know, I do believe the anger behind them is justified, I must admit that. She had every right to be angry. But these words, and everything they mean..I think it was going to far.

I WILL NEVER FORGET THOSE WORDS.

The deal was that she was going to a party to see Maria(best friend, 'wife') after a long time apart. So she tells me this early on in the day. I'm pretty passive on the idea from the beginning. She thinks I was trying to ease my way out of going but I wasn't, I just wasn't sure if I would even have a chance of going. But w/e, she tells me and say I'll see what I can do. Later on in the day I start trying to see if I can go by asking my mom. She says I can go, but that Ash's mom would have to pick me up. So I actually got the permission finally, which is pretty weird, but I didn't have the transportation to get me there. I ask Ash if her mom would pick me up, I knew she wouldn't, and of course she told me it was to much. And yea, I agree it's to much for her to be doing.

So after all that and asking my uncle to take me, I lost hope in going. I actually had pretty much set in my mind that I wasn't going to go. And believe it or not, I was actually fine with it, cause I knew in advance I wasn't going to be able to. I was ready to accept the truth of the matter. But then here comes my dad and tells me that he will take me straight to the party when he gets home. I got excited and told Ash the news. After everything I had a sure chance of going and everything was good.

But then something happened. Ash tells me to hold on for a second while she finds out if I can even go. She comes back to me saying, 'opps my friend's parents got ridiculous and you can't go. And since she doesn't know you there goes your chance of going. Sorry.' Ok, I am now absolutely devastated and angry with her. Not the fact that I can't go, but the fact that she tells me this at the last f***ing second after I finally was excited about having a means of transport. And on top of that, I hate the f***ing way she says it. The way she says it seems so non caring and w/e. "You can't go, oh well to bad for you." That's what it sounds like, but she will not understand that fact. Sure, she says se authentically means the sorry and that she does care that I can't go with her to the party, but she can't understand that the way she says it just sounds like she don't give a shit whether I go or not. She has to find a better non blunt way of saying it. She loves to be straight forward and blunt with things but damn it, when you say sorry that I can't go at least make it sound like you mean it. Maybe it's also partly me that takes it that way, so harshly, but still I think she can improve on that.

And well now I'm very mad because I went through all the trouble and I got my hopes up, just to have her tear it down and tell me I'm not even allowed to go. Ashley knows that feeling well, being let down, so she can understand why I got angry being told this at the last second, getting myself ready and everything to go later.

When I get all angry now, Ash gets angry at me cause i do normally get jealous and angry when I can't join her with w/e it is she's doing. I admit and apologize for that jealousy, I admit 100% it was wrong of me. But this time had a lot more things going, but anyways, Ash lets out all of her feelings on me tonight. Apparently I hit a nasty nerve, and it bled all over me. She tells me really horrible things. The worst of those things were the quotes that i put at the beginning of this blog. I have those messages saved in my phone and will never forget them. After she said those things to me I didn't give a damn where the hell she was going or whether I was invited or not. Those words hurt me deep inside in a way I can't say. They stopped me in my tracks and I just stood there with those words ringing in my ears again and again.

She won't miss me. I disgust her. She won't text me back after the party because she assumes that all I will do is bother her and disgust her some more with question upon question. A little knowledge I learned in philosophy is that that sort of thinking is called inductive reasoning. She is reasoning that I will do that because I've done it the past. But the conclusion of inductive reasoning is never sure because it is pretty much a guess. I'm getting off track here. One thing that I will make sure is to not ask about this party. She could've kissed another guy at that party(just an example), but I will never know because I will not allow her to be right in her assumption that I will do that. In her assumption that besides all this happening, I will still try to be this "Controlling ass hole".

I am not a possessive ass like she's says, and I will try not to do anything that can throw me in that category again to prove her wrong. She said before she left that she didn't hate me, but I disgusted me. What she said to me has scarred me. It's changed what she thinks of me when I'm not being my "perfect" self. I'm not perfect, I'm only a pitiful human trying to live as best he can.

Right now she's probably still there at the party having a good time, not missing me at all. "And I have to live with it." The way she spoke to me before she left was like an overpowering parent telling the kid exactly what's going to happen next, that he can't do anything about it, and that he will have to live with it. It angered me and 'disgusted' me the tone she used on me. The things she said to me. I'm so angry inside. It's one of those deeply buried angers you hold inside, and outside, the only thing that shows is a dead face. A face that has no memory or emotion. Just a face hiding anger behind it.

Ash will not be texting me tonight, as she said, and I say good. I'm not ready to face her again. I'm not ready to accept anything as I type this blog now. I'm not ready to face that happy, cheerful face coming from seeing her best friend, while i hold this one. All I hold are these texts tonight, that I hate so much. I will not accept them.

This is off topic but my mom just told me that after my classes tomorrow, we can pick Ash up to go with us to..where ever, I don't care right now. Do you know what my answer was? I don't know. I don't know if i want to see her tomorrow at this moment. I need to sleep this off because the only thing I can think of is what she said to me. Those words, I need to sleep them off.

I love you Ash, very much. But right now, I'm bitter, not about the stupid party, not about not being able to join you, but about those words. Not even the words, but the fact that you truly meant every single one of them. You meant exactly what you said to me before you left. I won't kill you, and I won't "get over it" (I fucking hate that song), but that will kill me. You don't miss me one bit right now. That will haunt me. A goodnight for one cannot be a goodnight for all.

Sleep with God and all His wonderful angels and everything that's good. Goodnight. I love you.

"You're an ass"

"You disgust me sometimes"

"Good fucking bye. I'm going to have a great night. And I'm not going to miss you"

"And don't expect me to text you when I leave"

"I'll talk to you whenever the fuck I feel like it"

Anger

I'm soo freagin pissed man. My girlfriend wanted me to write this blog, so I will write it. Today I was pretty out of it. I was so tired all day today, I don't know why, usually I'm not so tired but today I was. So after a finished school and al my classes i pretty much just went home and slept the day away. I was just so tired. My girlfriend later, at night, when I'm pissed at her, fills me in that that is the reason she was only fine earlier in the day. When she was feeling fine all she was "Because I am" she absolutely refused to talk to me. But what is that? If your upset about not talking to me all day, then why would you go off and refuse to talk to me some more? To me, it is not right. I cared enough to ask repeatedly but she refused to tell me anything. She just didn't care, and I was left there with absolutely nothing at all. So we go on the rest of the night saying absolutely nothing at all. Then out of no where she tells me she's buying hair dye at publix..What am I supposed to say huh? Oh my gosh that's awesome! No!! I'm pissed to no end cause she has refused to talk to me. Don't get me wrong, I do care and wished I could just be like, "That's great babe, you happy with the color?" And talk about the whole thing with her but I couldn't. How could I? I'm mad, I can't just move on to another topic when this one was still going on in my mind.

So as you probably can guess, me not saying anything about her dye made her mad. Go figure. So we start to fight. But during the whole thing it seemed like I was mostly fighting myself trying not to punch a hole in the wall. She just completely treated the argument like it was nothing. She was so apathetic about the whole thing and it made me mad. This whole thing started because I didn't talk to her to much in the beginning of the day, and now that we were at the end of the day, she just refuses to answer me back. Oh and the loveliest part was when I called her to discuss this verbally and she said, "Just because" again, this time right in my ear. It was obvious to me she didn't give a rat's ass about this. She didn't care, her voice was so apathetic and dull. I hated it so much. Why was she doing that to me? All I did was care. Sure I didn't talk with her to much in the day because i was mostly asleep, but is that any reason to not talk to me? Like really? Is that any reason to completely push me aside and push aside everything I was trying to do and everything I was trying to say? I wanted to talk with her so bad man. I wanted her to tell me what was up, why she was feeling the way she was. I only wanted her to care enough to answer me back and not be fresh with me. Telling me that I don't care or telling something else simply to attack me personally. I wanted to discuss this problem. I tried so hard. I'm a guy, so it's hard to humble myself down sometimes but I was down, and I was desperate for her to say something. To change her tone and take me seriously and answer me. But she never did. I'm so empty right now I'm just babbling on now.

I didn't deserve that treatment, I know I didn't. I deserved a discussion, an argument about this. I did nothing but try to get her to speak, to say something to me after the whole dye thing that wasn't 'mhm' 'weren't you going to go?' 'just because' 'yea' stupid shit like that. I've poured out everything here. I feel what happened was unjustified. I feel like an old man now, hunched over with no words left to say. I called her, and that's something special when it happens because i know I usually don't, but she didn't care. Even after so late she has decided to keep to herself, give me nothing but smart ass remarks against me, show me no concern or care about me or what I was saying, show me nothing but pure apathy, and lastly above all deny my 'I love you'

Yes I'm pissed at her, yes I want to punch a wall or break my phone at this moment, yes I feel she went about this completely wrong, yes I feel she wasn't acting right towards me, but I love her above everything. At this moment she has been apathetic towards me and been a pain more then anything else. But I love her very much. Before this happened I loved her and after this is finished I will still love her.

She wanted me to write this so I did, I poured out my heart and what i thought about this whole thing. It was not right, and wrong on her part to freagin push me aside like that. That is where I stand. I want to talk with her, but I'm not going to talk with her if she refuses to, and gives me that shitty apathy. That tone of voice and attitude she used with me will stick with me all night, I may even dream about it. We'll see.

I like to forgive and forget, but not this time.