Anger

I'm soo freagin pissed man. My girlfriend wanted me to write this blog, so I will write it. Today I was pretty out of it. I was so tired all day today, I don't know why, usually I'm not so tired but today I was. So after a finished school and al my classes i pretty much just went home and slept the day away. I was just so tired. My girlfriend later, at night, when I'm pissed at her, fills me in that that is the reason she was only fine earlier in the day. When she was feeling fine all she was "Because I am" she absolutely refused to talk to me. But what is that? If your upset about not talking to me all day, then why would you go off and refuse to talk to me some more? To me, it is not right. I cared enough to ask repeatedly but she refused to tell me anything. She just didn't care, and I was left there with absolutely nothing at all. So we go on the rest of the night saying absolutely nothing at all. Then out of no where she tells me she's buying hair dye at publix..What am I supposed to say huh? Oh my gosh that's awesome! No!! I'm pissed to no end cause she has refused to talk to me. Don't get me wrong, I do care and wished I could just be like, "That's great babe, you happy with the color?" And talk about the whole thing with her but I couldn't. How could I? I'm mad, I can't just move on to another topic when this one was still going on in my mind.

So as you probably can guess, me not saying anything about her dye made her mad. Go figure. So we start to fight. But during the whole thing it seemed like I was mostly fighting myself trying not to punch a hole in the wall. She just completely treated the argument like it was nothing. She was so apathetic about the whole thing and it made me mad. This whole thing started because I didn't talk to her to much in the beginning of the day, and now that we were at the end of the day, she just refuses to answer me back. Oh and the loveliest part was when I called her to discuss this verbally and she said, "Just because" again, this time right in my ear. It was obvious to me she didn't give a rat's ass about this. She didn't care, her voice was so apathetic and dull. I hated it so much. Why was she doing that to me? All I did was care. Sure I didn't talk with her to much in the day because i was mostly asleep, but is that any reason to not talk to me? Like really? Is that any reason to completely push me aside and push aside everything I was trying to do and everything I was trying to say? I wanted to talk with her so bad man. I wanted her to tell me what was up, why she was feeling the way she was. I only wanted her to care enough to answer me back and not be fresh with me. Telling me that I don't care or telling something else simply to attack me personally. I wanted to discuss this problem. I tried so hard. I'm a guy, so it's hard to humble myself down sometimes but I was down, and I was desperate for her to say something. To change her tone and take me seriously and answer me. But she never did. I'm so empty right now I'm just babbling on now.

I didn't deserve that treatment, I know I didn't. I deserved a discussion, an argument about this. I did nothing but try to get her to speak, to say something to me after the whole dye thing that wasn't 'mhm' 'weren't you going to go?' 'just because' 'yea' stupid shit like that. I've poured out everything here. I feel what happened was unjustified. I feel like an old man now, hunched over with no words left to say. I called her, and that's something special when it happens because i know I usually don't, but she didn't care. Even after so late she has decided to keep to herself, give me nothing but smart ass remarks against me, show me no concern or care about me or what I was saying, show me nothing but pure apathy, and lastly above all deny my 'I love you'

Yes I'm pissed at her, yes I want to punch a wall or break my phone at this moment, yes I feel she went about this completely wrong, yes I feel she wasn't acting right towards me, but I love her above everything. At this moment she has been apathetic towards me and been a pain more then anything else. But I love her very much. Before this happened I loved her and after this is finished I will still love her.

She wanted me to write this so I did, I poured out my heart and what i thought about this whole thing. It was not right, and wrong on her part to freagin push me aside like that. That is where I stand. I want to talk with her, but I'm not going to talk with her if she refuses to, and gives me that shitty apathy. That tone of voice and attitude she used with me will stick with me all night, I may even dream about it. We'll see.

I like to forgive and forget, but not this time.

Ahh!

Don't you hate it when people decide to shut you up?! I know I do. And then you ask for them not to do it again, and what do you know? They do it again!! Like they have the right to do such a thing? God, things like that frustrate me so much! Shit!

It was my bad to say something was bad without actually knowing what it was, but I couldn't contain myself. It hit a nerve, so whether it was good or bad, it was bad to me. How would you understand? You just see it as me being judge mental, when I'm really not. I'm just crying out because that thing hit an old nerve. It bothered me for reasons you wouldn't understand. It struck it because I have bad history with the creator, because it spoke of revealing secrets I would like to hope none of us have.

The idea just hit me like a sack of scorpions right from the beginning, so what seemed to be judging, was actually refusal to accept that that could possibly any good at all. I could never admit that whatever it is could actually be a pleasant thing.

So I come up with excuses, and reasons why that would be crap, why it's stupid. I try to come up with anything, anything that would serve me as back up as I try to bash it and wreck it. I just couldn't admit that it could be a nice idea, I didn't give it a chance because nothing from there was good in the past, why would that be any different. Anything coming from that, person, could never be good and honest. I hate it, anything coming from there.

There's a secret of my own: Anything coming from there or any bad memory bothers me, whether it be good or bad, I hate it. It's grotesque and intolerable. My thoughts would never dare venture into what was, my lips would never dare speak of what was that made me hate so much, and any part of myself would never dare venture into anything pertaining to that now, in the present or future.

So that's why I seemed to judge, that's why I snapped at the idea, that's why I hate it. It's just things that have hurt me in the past, bad things I've come across that make me lash out at certain ideas and actions. Life has made me many things I myself am not proud of. Like jealous and untrusting. So sorry if they get the better of me.

Ok, I think I'm done now. I'll cut this blog short for one night. I was never one to completely express and say what I'm feeling anyways. I can't help but hold back, it comes naturally to me. I hope this blog served at least as some kind of mystery to some of you.

Well goodnight everyone. And even though I'm still mad, I love you very much.